Caitlin Pasko's new green world

Caitlin Pasko crafts a sanctuary of safety, serenity with deep sentiments told through sound; press photo.

Unsavory environments and harsh climates give cause to build our own safety spaces of sanctuary. The world is far from a kind place and often the human imperfections of benevolence give way to malevolence (intentional and otherwise), that beget the trauma that requires processes of separation and subsequent stages of healing. These guarded places of shelter that we build in response serve as the structures and vessels of tightly held hope; organic hidden garden menageries of cathartic arts, cursive scratched and ink blotted journal entries, intricate drawings, recorded voice memos, song sketches and statements of purpose and perseverance.

This the Greenhouse — the new album from Brooklyn pianist/media boss Caitlin Pasko. The elegance found on the Glass Period EP is elevated and expounded into a secure retreat from an abusive partner. Greenhouse is built like a citadel adorned in the deco an ornate cathedral citadel made with the fortitude of Pasko’s atmospheric piano pop movements. Caitlin orchestrates an omnibus of sublime balladry, haunting sparse harmonies, swashes of melody that float with an understated sense of immense care and an intense degree of caution. Restrained overtures of self-preservation, breakdowns, breakthroughs and full on breakouts gallantly charge through the album’s spaces of ambient air, face offs, hard reckonings and more all executed with a heart-driven passion and focused motions toward emancipated liberty.

Greenhouse stands as an ephemeral abode situated between worlds. It is a place where Caitlin guards the most vulnerable and meaningful emotive laden and personal effects like the cries of "I Know I", the pain and obscured self-awareness of "Unwell" to the claustrophobic existentialism on "Even God". The head on battle with a former narcisistic lover is spelled out in no uncertain terms on "Horrible Person"; where Caitlin illustrates the insidious and abusive behaviors as the minimalist arrangement becomes beleaguered by squelched feedback and other unsettling electrical treatments.

Emerging the victor, Pasko delivers an ode to joy with "Ooo Happy", reconnects with the plants and floral nature nurtured in the proverbial Greenhouse with "To the Leaves", while "Mother" marks a maternal return to a familial center (that marks a progression from the stilted strolls and insecurities of "Unwell"). The Greenhouse exploration gently moves toward the setting sun with the heart wrenching calm pronunciations of "Quiet Weather", closing with "Intimate Distance" that works to turn the pages on difficult and complicated chapters of the heart in the name of moving onward and forward with life. Greenhouse is that sacred space of safe passage, a battlefield and arena of attrition and a vessel of growth and renewal.

Caitlin Pasko presents the following exclusive and intimate words on the personal events that informed the new album:

The candid creation of Greenhouse by Caitlin Pasko

It is difficult for me to go back into my memories and think about these things, but I’ve been wanting to write about what it’s like to be in an emotionally / psychologically abusive relationship for quite some time, as a way to share some of the tools that helped me heal from it, as well as some of my regrets. My hope, in writing this piece, is to help eliminate the stigma associated with having been in a relationship like this, because it can happen to anyone. And if you feel like you might be in a dangerously unhealthy relationship, I hope this piece helps you feel unstuck. 

When I first started dating my abuser, my life was blissful. I had never experienced love like how I experienced it with him, and my best friends thought he was great. Every day was beautiful for about three or four months, when suddenly he began slipping cruel comments into casual conversation. He’d say things that were so shocking, and so out of nowhere, that I didn’t have time to process them before he’d moved on, like nothing strange had happened. These moments were like little flashes of evil, and I’d think, surely I must have misunderstood him? I loved him so much that I ignored these first red flags.

But the insults began increasing in frequency, and periods of cruelty would last longer and longer. I was given the silent treatment often, following big bursts of rage that came from very small misunderstandings. For a while, this was only happening behind closed doors, but my friends started noticing. He began ruining days that were meaningful to me, like a birthday party or a show. He showed up to my release show in 2017 after not speaking to me for 24 hours because a male friend had written a sweet congratulations! to me on my Facebook wall. He entered the venue and never made contact with me and then laughed loudly throughout my set — things like that. He’d make big scenes. There were many days where my eyes would be so swollen from crying that I’d have to cancel my plans and I’d make up excuses so that my friends wouldn’t know the real reason why I was canceling. I’ve kept one photo from that time — a photo of my eyes almost swollen shut — just as a reminder, in case I ever need one. I can’t and probably won’t ever look at it, but I know it’s there.

There were also times, toward the end, when the abuse would briefly cross the line into physical abuse territory, and rather than share any of those details, I’ll simply say that if you find yourself with an ongoing urge to record your partner because you want to prove to yourself and to others that you are being abused, then it is time for you to make a plan to safely remove yourself from the relationship.

What fascinated me the most about the relationship, while I was in it, was that I was aware of how bad and unhealthy it was, all the time. But I wasn’t staying in the relationship because I felt afraid of being alone, as many of my friends suspected; I stayed because of the person who he was when I fell in love with him. That person slowly slipped away as we got deeper into our relationship, and I was always trying to get him back. Occasionally — usually after an intense bout of cruelty — that version of him would suddenly reappear and stick around for a few weeks, and that’s what kept me hanging on. That version of him would claim to want to be better, and for a long time I believed him.

I turned to self-help books multiple times throughout the relationship, looking for answers. I wanted to know why I wasn’t able to free myself from something that I knew was so bad for me. A friend suggested I read Women Who Love Too Much, and the message I took away from it was, You’re trying to change him. Stop trying to change him, and love him for who he is. This is helpful if you’re in a healthy relationship, but as a sick person reading this book, I thought, Right, I’m trying to change him and I need to accept that he is working through his demons. This was bad. What I should have taken away was that it is important to look at why you’re trying to change a person, and if you’re trying to change them because they are mistreating you, over and over, without making any effort to be a better person and with little remorse, then you need to end the relationship — not continue to take the abuse. (I do not recommend this book).

The book that helped me the most, was a book by Shahida Arabi called, Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Reading this book was like reading a case study on the relationship I was in. It details the different phases of Narcissistic Abuse, like love-bombing, trauma-bonding, and the discard phase, and it explains what’s happening in your brain, chemically. When I realized that chemicals were involved, I was able to start to forgive myself and take control. I highly recommend this book, not just for anyone who suspects they may be in a dangerously unhealthy relationship, but for anyone who is looking for a partner in life. I genuinely think this book should be required reading at a young age.

Something else Power instilled in me was the rule of No Contact, that is, the importance of eliminating all contact with your abuser once you’re free. Once you leave them, it is important to block them everywhere you can, and if they figure out alternative methods of contacting you, block them without even thinking about it. If you share kids with your abuser and you must keep in contact, it’s important to keep the conversation about the kids and nothing more. If you feel weak, try to have a friend with you until you feel strong enough to resist them on your own. You have to put up a wall between you and them, because they will try to suck you back in. On average, a person in an abusive relationship breaks up with their abuser seven times before they actually have the strength to stay away. I went back three times.

What I regret most about staying in this relationship is the effect it had on my other relationships. I lost a lot of friends, and many other friendships were worn almost all the way down by the end. It took time and hard work to regain their trust. The friends I lost — they loved me so much that they had to leave me in order to take care of themselves. In a way, they were in an emotionally abusive relationship with me, because they kept picking me up off the floor only to see me walk back to my abuser — the person they could see was causing me so much pain. Even at this stage in my healing, as I accept my friends’ decisions and I love them for it, the loss causes me pain.

I want people to know that this can happen to anyone. This happens to people who have big hearts and who love deeply and want to be loved deeply. This happens to people who are empathetic and good. Remember, chemicals are involved.

When you hear your conscience telling you how bad your situation is, try as hard as you can to trust your gut and make a change. Tell your friends what’s going on, and pay attention to their reactions. Think about how you would feel if you were hearing your story from a friend. What would you tell your friend to do?

Make a plan to leave, even if it takes weeks to plan. Don’t wait. Don’t wait until you’ve damaged your relationships with your friends and family. Don’t risk destroying the good relationships in your life for one that consistently causes you disappointment and pain. I promise you, what will haunt you the most in your future will not be the abuse; it will take time, but you’ll heal from that. What will haunt you the most is the friendships lost. Your friends love you because you are worthy of being loved.

Leaving does not mean that you are abandoning your abuser. Leaving means that you are protecting yourself from psychological and emotional violence. You do not have to live this way.

And you must stop worrying about how your departure will make them feel. Why are you worrying about the feelings of someone who continuously degrades and abuses you?

You are not responsible for how they feel or how they react. You are free. Get excited thinking about how much you love and care for yourself. Get excited thinking about how much your friends love and support you. Get excited for your new healthy future full of endless possibilities.

Thank you,

Caitlin

Greenhouse is available now via Whatever’s Clever with a portion of proceeds to be donated to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.